McCain Would Execute Aliens

In an exclusive interview at Senator John McCain's Arizona compound, reporters asked the likely Republican nominee about his stance on the illegal alien issue.

McCain said that he'd "wire them up and turn on the juice. I've felt that way ever since I saw my first spaceship more than ten years ago. Green, slimy seven-eyed little buggers... can't trust 'em. But they're good eatin'. A little like frog legs."

Reporters explained that their reference was to illegal aliens entering the country on foot.

McCain looked puzzled. "Feet? What feet? They just kind of slither."

Reporters showed the senator photos of aliens who had crossed the Texas border illegally and were taken into custody. McCain grabbed the photos and shook a finger at the journalists. "Hell, these are just a few Mexicans. If they don't come by spaceship and can make killer tacos, let 'em in. That's plain talk from John McCain -- you write it down."

McCain then excused himself, warning the reporters that the next spacecraft was due in 10 minutes, and aliens had been getting testy of late. The senator reappeared carrying a shotgun and emptied two rounds into the evening sky. "Bring it on!" he yelled. Reporters last saw McCain pumping another shell into the chamber, laughing with his head thrown back. Several reporters resigned the election beat that same night.