Thursday, October 2, 2008

McCain to Endorse Depends

Members of AARP sat up and took notice when 72-year-old Presidential candidate John McCain revealed that he'd be the new face for Depends, the "Republican diapers for wrinkled behinds." McCain, during a quick stop to address World War II veterans in Columbus, Ohio, got a rousing reception of rattling walkers and pounding crutches as aides positioned him in front of the microphone

"Depends, my friends, are my armor against rash judgment!"

The crowd yelled, "Turn it up! Turn it up!"

McCain paused, staring at the microphone as if he expected it to talk to him. An adviser's whisper startled him back to the matter at hand. "If you're over 65 in a McCain America," the senator said, playing to the aged vets, "you can count on soft food, free physical therapy and rubber rings for all!" The Arizona senator punctuated the remark by pumping a fist into the air, which had the unfortunate result of dropping his diapers around his ankles.

Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin snatched the mike from McCain and took a moment to check out the Presidential package. "Jeepers, John, is that what we mean by small government?" She winked at the vets, who were also looking over the Arizona senator's presidential timber. "No more healthcare," Palin said. "No more doctors. No hospitals or pharmaceuticals. No assisted living. In the McCain-Palin 'Go With God' medical plan, all you need is faith in the Lord -- that Big Doctor in the sky... the Medicine Man almighty... your Practitioner of love. Drill, baby, drill, and let's hear it for the next president of the United States!"

The crowd, curious about McCain's apparent unwillingness to reclaim his Depends, filed slowly out of the hall, exiting beneath a banner that read, "McCain -- experienced, heroic, occasionally awake... you betcha."