Tuesday, September 30, 2008

McCain Sex Change to Attract Women Voters?

In a desperate move to engage women voters, Republican presidential candidate John McCain checked into the Lopoff Gender Reassignment Clinic in Farewell, Arizona. McCain stopped at the door long enough to wave at reporters and issue a brief statement. “Women liked Sarah’s purse," he said, "but they had problems with her shoes. I vetted her wardrobe -- it got high marks. Who could've known anyone would ask her about issues, the Supreme Court and all that stuff?”

Asked if being clueless might have factored into Palin’s power dive following a meteoric rise, “McCain shook his head. “No way, no how. Look, I don’t know diddly, but in thirty days or so I might be the most powerful guy on the planet. You can know a lot of nothing and still be a heap of somebody. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a date with a scalpel.”

Somewhere in the next three hours John McCain became Jane McCain. That evening, surrounded by press, she lay in a private room gazing wistfully at a pickle jar. “That little dude gave his all to put me in the West Wing,” she said. “It's a sacrifice but I've always been willing to give a piece of myself for America... I just never thought it would be that particular piece. On the plus I have someplace convenient to put my iPod, and I won't have to think twice about dressing to the left or the right.”

By evening, demonstrators surrounded the clinic chanting “One less prick in Washington!” Republican campaign manager Rick Davis ignored the jeering crowd as he announced to reporters that “Jane and Sarah will be appearing at Victoria's Secret locations throughout the Midwest to model lingerie and explain why book-burning and overturning Roe v. Wade are vital to American values.” He added that the 72-year-old Jane McCain has "the get-up-and-go of a woman half her age." It remains to be seen if America's women voters see this as a political ploy or the move of a sincere individual in search of her identity.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

VP Candidate Palin Sells Soul on eBay

Trading on eBay accelerated noticeably at 2:23 p.m., Friday, when this featured item popped up in the category of "Entertainment Memorabilia":
"One soul, badly tarnished, previously owned by political hooker. Best offer. Prefer oil lobbyist or Fortune 500 CEO with loft on Alaska coast."
However, when eBay wonks learned that the soul for sale belonged to Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, shoppers flooded the Internet mall, slowing servers to a crawl and eliciting a rapid response from the Republican election machine.

"This obviously is an item posted by Barack Obama without the knowledge of his team of campaign jackals" said Rick Davis, the Republican campaign manager. "I'm aware that the Obama team has named John McCain as the culprit, saying he wants to -- and I quote -- 'kick Sarah Palin's perky ass off his political ship,' but I'm here to tell you that's impossible because John McCain doesn't know a computer from chipmunk, and he doesn't have a clue as to what eBay is -- how many times does he have to tell the American public that he knows nothing about computers or economics? He's a United States senator, for god's sake! How much trivia do you expect a presidential candidate to know?"

The Obama campaign hit back hard, insisting the eBay post had all the markings of a "Palination... a deceitful shotgun blast from a woman whose gun rack runneth over."

Upon investigation, reporters did find that the Palin family pickup carries two shotguns, one Uzi and a "Brown Bear Combo" (a set of knives with an ulu point and a long skinning radius, perfect for gutting moose, polar bears and endangered species).

Barack Obama, a long-time eBay fan, made a bid for Palin's soul, calling it a "Gandhi purchase" that would "put a peaceful end to a painful, embarrassing chapter in a particularly savage campaign." Obama explained that he was "willing to spend his beer money to clear the air. Let's talk about issues, not eBay." The McCain campaign fired back that Obama could "shove Aristotle and the Great Books of the Western World up his skinny, elitist patoot because John McCain doesn't have to address issues. He's a former prisoner of war. 'Nough said."

Political satanist Karl Rove weighed into the dispute, predicting that Palin's former brother-in-law, ex-trooper Mike Wooten, whom Palin fired from his job, would purchase Palin's soul and "use it for target practice."

Saturday, September 13, 2008

McCain Shocker: "I Was a Prisoner of War!"

A packed auditorium at a Philadephia high school sat quietly as Republican presidential candidate John McCain responded to a question from a student reporter. "What plans to you have to preserve Social Security?"

With a pained expression, McCain said, "I was shot down over North Vietnam and became a prisoner of war."

"Yes, sir," the boy reporter said, "but what are your plans for Social Security?"

"I was in that box from 1969 to 1973," McCain said, shaking his head at the memory. "They tortured me. I never cracked. Do you have any idea how difficult that war was?"

The reporter, somewhat confused but accustomed to addled adults, said, "Yes, sir. My great grandfather was there. He tells me the stories over and over. Maybe you can give me an insight into how you would respond to Russia if it continues its conflict with Georgia."

Lost in the memory of dim light, cockroaches and small angry men with slanted eyes, McCain stared at the microphone. The student reporter repeated the question. McCain, obviously startled, shook a fist. "I was a prisoner of war -- I didn't have a grilled cheese sandwich for more than four years."

A student in the audience popped one of the balloons decorating the auditorium. "Hit the deck!" McCain screamed, diving on the floor. His staff physicians, always close by with defibrillators, rushed to the candidate's side. As they strapped on his favorite oxygen mask, McCain yelled, "I was a ..."

"...prisoner of war. Yes, sir, we know," the EMT said quietly. "You were in that box a long time. A long, long time."

McCain staffers later released a report saying that the candidate "is an American hero and his time as a prisoner had taught him to lie in order to survive.

The release also mentioned that Sarah Palin would take responsibility for all Russian affairs because, as governor of Alaska, she could see Russia from her office window.