Thursday, October 2, 2008

McCain to Endorse Depends

Members of AARP sat up and took notice when 72-year-old Presidential candidate John McCain revealed that he'd be the new face for Depends, the "Republican diapers for wrinkled behinds." McCain, during a quick stop to address World War II veterans in Columbus, Ohio, got a rousing reception of rattling walkers and pounding crutches as aides positioned him in front of the microphone

"Depends, my friends, are my armor against rash judgment!"

The crowd yelled, "Turn it up! Turn it up!"

McCain paused, staring at the microphone as if he expected it to talk to him. An adviser's whisper startled him back to the matter at hand. "If you're over 65 in a McCain America," the senator said, playing to the aged vets, "you can count on soft food, free physical therapy and rubber rings for all!" The Arizona senator punctuated the remark by pumping a fist into the air, which had the unfortunate result of dropping his diapers around his ankles.

Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin snatched the mike from McCain and took a moment to check out the Presidential package. "Jeepers, John, is that what we mean by small government?" She winked at the vets, who were also looking over the Arizona senator's presidential timber. "No more healthcare," Palin said. "No more doctors. No hospitals or pharmaceuticals. No assisted living. In the McCain-Palin 'Go With God' medical plan, all you need is faith in the Lord -- that Big Doctor in the sky... the Medicine Man almighty... your Practitioner of love. Drill, baby, drill, and let's hear it for the next president of the United States!"

The crowd, curious about McCain's apparent unwillingness to reclaim his Depends, filed slowly out of the hall, exiting beneath a banner that read, "McCain -- experienced, heroic, occasionally awake... you betcha."

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

McCain Sex Change to Attract Women Voters?

In a desperate move to engage women voters, Republican presidential candidate John McCain checked into the Lopoff Gender Reassignment Clinic in Farewell, Arizona. McCain stopped at the door long enough to wave at reporters and issue a brief statement. “Women liked Sarah’s purse," he said, "but they had problems with her shoes. I vetted her wardrobe -- it got high marks. Who could've known anyone would ask her about issues, the Supreme Court and all that stuff?”

Asked if being clueless might have factored into Palin’s power dive following a meteoric rise, “McCain shook his head. “No way, no how. Look, I don’t know diddly, but in thirty days or so I might be the most powerful guy on the planet. You can know a lot of nothing and still be a heap of somebody. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a date with a scalpel.”

Somewhere in the next three hours John McCain became Jane McCain. That evening, surrounded by press, she lay in a private room gazing wistfully at a pickle jar. “That little dude gave his all to put me in the West Wing,” she said. “It's a sacrifice but I've always been willing to give a piece of myself for America... I just never thought it would be that particular piece. On the plus I have someplace convenient to put my iPod, and I won't have to think twice about dressing to the left or the right.”

By evening, demonstrators surrounded the clinic chanting “One less prick in Washington!” Republican campaign manager Rick Davis ignored the jeering crowd as he announced to reporters that “Jane and Sarah will be appearing at Victoria's Secret locations throughout the Midwest to model lingerie and explain why book-burning and overturning Roe v. Wade are vital to American values.” He added that the 72-year-old Jane McCain has "the get-up-and-go of a woman half her age." It remains to be seen if America's women voters see this as a political ploy or the move of a sincere individual in search of her identity.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

VP Candidate Palin Sells Soul on eBay

Trading on eBay accelerated noticeably at 2:23 p.m., Friday, when this featured item popped up in the category of "Entertainment Memorabilia":
"One soul, badly tarnished, previously owned by political hooker. Best offer. Prefer oil lobbyist or Fortune 500 CEO with loft on Alaska coast."
However, when eBay wonks learned that the soul for sale belonged to Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, shoppers flooded the Internet mall, slowing servers to a crawl and eliciting a rapid response from the Republican election machine.

"This obviously is an item posted by Barack Obama without the knowledge of his team of campaign jackals" said Rick Davis, the Republican campaign manager. "I'm aware that the Obama team has named John McCain as the culprit, saying he wants to -- and I quote -- 'kick Sarah Palin's perky ass off his political ship,' but I'm here to tell you that's impossible because John McCain doesn't know a computer from chipmunk, and he doesn't have a clue as to what eBay is -- how many times does he have to tell the American public that he knows nothing about computers or economics? He's a United States senator, for god's sake! How much trivia do you expect a presidential candidate to know?"

The Obama campaign hit back hard, insisting the eBay post had all the markings of a "Palination... a deceitful shotgun blast from a woman whose gun rack runneth over."

Upon investigation, reporters did find that the Palin family pickup carries two shotguns, one Uzi and a "Brown Bear Combo" (a set of knives with an ulu point and a long skinning radius, perfect for gutting moose, polar bears and endangered species).

Barack Obama, a long-time eBay fan, made a bid for Palin's soul, calling it a "Gandhi purchase" that would "put a peaceful end to a painful, embarrassing chapter in a particularly savage campaign." Obama explained that he was "willing to spend his beer money to clear the air. Let's talk about issues, not eBay." The McCain campaign fired back that Obama could "shove Aristotle and the Great Books of the Western World up his skinny, elitist patoot because John McCain doesn't have to address issues. He's a former prisoner of war. 'Nough said."

Political satanist Karl Rove weighed into the dispute, predicting that Palin's former brother-in-law, ex-trooper Mike Wooten, whom Palin fired from his job, would purchase Palin's soul and "use it for target practice."

Saturday, September 13, 2008

McCain Shocker: "I Was a Prisoner of War!"

A packed auditorium at a Philadephia high school sat quietly as Republican presidential candidate John McCain responded to a question from a student reporter. "What plans to you have to preserve Social Security?"

With a pained expression, McCain said, "I was shot down over North Vietnam and became a prisoner of war."

"Yes, sir," the boy reporter said, "but what are your plans for Social Security?"

"I was in that box from 1969 to 1973," McCain said, shaking his head at the memory. "They tortured me. I never cracked. Do you have any idea how difficult that war was?"

The reporter, somewhat confused but accustomed to addled adults, said, "Yes, sir. My great grandfather was there. He tells me the stories over and over. Maybe you can give me an insight into how you would respond to Russia if it continues its conflict with Georgia."

Lost in the memory of dim light, cockroaches and small angry men with slanted eyes, McCain stared at the microphone. The student reporter repeated the question. McCain, obviously startled, shook a fist. "I was a prisoner of war -- I didn't have a grilled cheese sandwich for more than four years."

A student in the audience popped one of the balloons decorating the auditorium. "Hit the deck!" McCain screamed, diving on the floor. His staff physicians, always close by with defibrillators, rushed to the candidate's side. As they strapped on his favorite oxygen mask, McCain yelled, "I was a ..."

"...prisoner of war. Yes, sir, we know," the EMT said quietly. "You were in that box a long time. A long, long time."

McCain staffers later released a report saying that the candidate "is an American hero and his time as a prisoner had taught him to lie in order to survive.

The release also mentioned that Sarah Palin would take responsibility for all Russian affairs because, as governor of Alaska, she could see Russia from her office window.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

McCain Turns 102, Offshore Drilling Pays Off

Former President John McCain celebrated his 102nd birthday, today, surrounded by well wishers at a private Arizona rest home, dubbed Camp David II when McCain relocated there 437 days into his second term in office.

The former president's eyes, dead as coal, were unfocused and looking in two different directions as his nurse blew out the candles on a cake in the shape of an oil rig, a nod to the fact that 30 years after telling Americans that offshore drilling would lower gas prices, the first effects of that plan had finally paid off. The news appeared to stimulate long-dormant neurotransmitters because a pinprick of light flickered in one eye and a bubble of gas popped from the corner of his mouth. It was his current way of communicating happiness.

A second and third bubble escaped when Karl Rove, incontinent and strapped upright in a nearby bed, reminded McCain that he and George W. Bush had sold the off-shore drilling boondoggle to Americans despite the 2003 report -- published by the Bush administration's own Energy Information Administration -- that said new offshore drilling “would not have a significant impact on domestic crude oil and natural gas production or prices before 2030.”

A nurse's aide inserted a forkful of cake into the former president's mouth. "Rarggg tup thastel," he said.

The nurse explained that they were "the only words he's able to speak. No one knows what he means. But who ever did?"

Monday, August 11, 2008

McCain Would Execute Aliens

In an exclusive interview at Senator John McCain's Arizona compound, reporters asked the likely Republican nominee about his stance on the illegal alien issue.

McCain said that he'd "wire them up and turn on the juice. I've felt that way ever since I saw my first spaceship more than ten years ago. Green, slimy seven-eyed little buggers... can't trust 'em. But they're good eatin'. A little like frog legs."

Reporters explained that their reference was to illegal aliens entering the country on foot.

McCain looked puzzled. "Feet? What feet? They just kind of slither."

Reporters showed the senator photos of aliens who had crossed the Texas border illegally and were taken into custody. McCain grabbed the photos and shook a finger at the journalists. "Hell, these are just a few Mexicans. If they don't come by spaceship and can make killer tacos, let 'em in. That's plain talk from John McCain -- you write it down."

McCain then excused himself, warning the reporters that the next spacecraft was due in 10 minutes, and aliens had been getting testy of late. The senator reappeared carrying a shotgun and emptied two rounds into the evening sky. "Bring it on!" he yelled. Reporters last saw McCain pumping another shell into the chamber, laughing with his head thrown back. Several reporters resigned the election beat that same night.

Friday, August 8, 2008

McCain Fails Anger Management Class

John McCain's three-month anger management class came to an embarrassing end during his final exam at Arizona's renowned Hargon Psychiatric Clinic in Phoenix. Instructors administered the dreaded "Yo Mama" test, which consisted of seven belittling statements about McCain's mother, as well as assaults on his knowledge of computers, economics, geography and foreign relations.

Counselor David Stripps said that McCain sailed through the offensive remarks about his mother, although "his eyelid did twitch a bit when I referred to the fact that she wears combat boots." The trouble started when Stripps told McCain that people fell down laughing at him for saying on television that he didn't know anything about computers and economics, which indicated an unwillingness and inability to understand basic concepts without which he couldn't pay his bills, much less lead a country. "He became agitated," Stripps said. "I could tell he was in distress – I expected the veins in his forehead to explode."

McCain momentarily regained composure but began to shake uncontrollably when Stripps reminded the presumptive Republican nominee that he "looked incredibly stupid in front of millions of people when he said Iraq shared a border with Pakistan, which isn't true, as any grade school student knows." Stripps then told McCain he was "an idiot for mentioning Czechoslovakia – not once, but repeatedly – when in fact Czechoslovakia hasn't existed since 1993."

"The screws came out and his hinges dropped off," Stripps said. "He chased me around the room screaming 'I'm going to crush your skull, you frickin' weasel!' I yelled over my shoulder that after claiming he was superior to Barack Obama in foreign relations, he must have the brains of a worm to say – on television – that Iranian operatives were taking al-Qaeda into Iran, training them and sending them back… and Senator Joseph Lieberman, standing nearby, had to whisper to him that the Iranians are training extremists, not al-Qaeda."

Moments later McCain caught Stripps, grabbed a lamp and said, "Do you know what I can do with this?"

A week later McCain received an "F" on his report card. Stripps is in critical condition but recovering nicely in the proctology ward of an unnamed Phoenix hospital.