McCain Fails Anger Management Class

John McCain's three-month anger management class came to an embarrassing end during his final exam at Arizona's renowned Hargon Psychiatric Clinic in Phoenix. Instructors administered the dreaded "Yo Mama" test, which consisted of seven belittling statements about McCain's mother, as well as assaults on his knowledge of computers, economics, geography and foreign relations.

Counselor David Stripps said that McCain sailed through the offensive remarks about his mother, although "his eyelid did twitch a bit when I referred to the fact that she wears combat boots." The trouble started when Stripps told McCain that people fell down laughing at him for saying on television that he didn't know anything about computers and economics, which indicated an unwillingness and inability to understand basic concepts without which he couldn't pay his bills, much less lead a country. "He became agitated," Stripps said. "I could tell he was in distress – I expected the veins in his forehead to explode."

McCain momentarily regained composure but began to shake uncontrollably when Stripps reminded the presumptive Republican nominee that he "looked incredibly stupid in front of millions of people when he said Iraq shared a border with Pakistan, which isn't true, as any grade school student knows." Stripps then told McCain he was "an idiot for mentioning Czechoslovakia – not once, but repeatedly – when in fact Czechoslovakia hasn't existed since 1993."

"The screws came out and his hinges dropped off," Stripps said. "He chased me around the room screaming 'I'm going to crush your skull, you frickin' weasel!' I yelled over my shoulder that after claiming he was superior to Barack Obama in foreign relations, he must have the brains of a worm to say – on television – that Iranian operatives were taking al-Qaeda into Iran, training them and sending them back… and Senator Joseph Lieberman, standing nearby, had to whisper to him that the Iranians are training extremists, not al-Qaeda."

Moments later McCain caught Stripps, grabbed a lamp and said, "Do you know what I can do with this?"

A week later McCain received an "F" on his report card. Stripps is in critical condition but recovering nicely in the proctology ward of an unnamed Phoenix hospital.