Saturday, September 20, 2008

VP Candidate Palin Sells Soul on eBay

Trading on eBay accelerated noticeably at 2:23 p.m., Friday, when this featured item popped up in the category of "Entertainment Memorabilia":
"One soul, badly tarnished, previously owned by political hooker. Best offer. Prefer oil lobbyist or Fortune 500 CEO with loft on Alaska coast."
However, when eBay wonks learned that the soul for sale belonged to Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, shoppers flooded the Internet mall, slowing servers to a crawl and eliciting a rapid response from the Republican election machine.

"This obviously is an item posted by Barack Obama without the knowledge of his team of campaign jackals" said Rick Davis, the Republican campaign manager. "I'm aware that the Obama team has named John McCain as the culprit, saying he wants to -- and I quote -- 'kick Sarah Palin's perky ass off his political ship,' but I'm here to tell you that's impossible because John McCain doesn't know a computer from chipmunk, and he doesn't have a clue as to what eBay is -- how many times does he have to tell the American public that he knows nothing about computers or economics? He's a United States senator, for god's sake! How much trivia do you expect a presidential candidate to know?"

The Obama campaign hit back hard, insisting the eBay post had all the markings of a "Palination... a deceitful shotgun blast from a woman whose gun rack runneth over."

Upon investigation, reporters did find that the Palin family pickup carries two shotguns, one Uzi and a "Brown Bear Combo" (a set of knives with an ulu point and a long skinning radius, perfect for gutting moose, polar bears and endangered species).

Barack Obama, a long-time eBay fan, made a bid for Palin's soul, calling it a "Gandhi purchase" that would "put a peaceful end to a painful, embarrassing chapter in a particularly savage campaign." Obama explained that he was "willing to spend his beer money to clear the air. Let's talk about issues, not eBay." The McCain campaign fired back that Obama could "shove Aristotle and the Great Books of the Western World up his skinny, elitist patoot because John McCain doesn't have to address issues. He's a former prisoner of war. 'Nough said."

Political satanist Karl Rove weighed into the dispute, predicting that Palin's former brother-in-law, ex-trooper Mike Wooten, whom Palin fired from his job, would purchase Palin's soul and "use it for target practice."

1 comment:

Wordforce said...

Palin's soul... It's not hers to sell. It already belongs to the devil.