McCain Turns 102, Offshore Drilling Pays Off

Former President John McCain celebrated his 102nd birthday, today, surrounded by well wishers at a private Arizona rest home, dubbed Camp David II when McCain relocated there 437 days into his second term in office.

The former president's eyes, dead as coal, were unfocused and looking in two different directions as his nurse blew out the candles on a cake in the shape of an oil rig, a nod to the fact that 30 years after telling Americans that offshore drilling would lower gas prices, the first effects of that plan had finally paid off. The news appeared to stimulate long-dormant neurotransmitters because a pinprick of light flickered in one eye and a bubble of gas popped from the corner of his mouth. It was his current way of communicating happiness.

A second and third bubble escaped when Karl Rove, incontinent and strapped upright in a nearby bed, reminded McCain that he and George W. Bush had sold the off-shore drilling boondoggle to Americans despite the 2003 report -- published by the Bush administration's own Energy Information Administration -- that said new offshore drilling “would not have a significant impact on domestic crude oil and natural gas production or prices before 2030.”

A nurse's aide inserted a forkful of cake into the former president's mouth. "Rarggg tup thastel," he said.

The nurse explained that they were "the only words he's able to speak. No one knows what he means. But who ever did?"