Tuesday, August 12, 2008

McCain Turns 102, Offshore Drilling Pays Off

Former President John McCain celebrated his 102nd birthday, today, surrounded by well wishers at a private Arizona rest home, dubbed Camp David II when McCain relocated there 437 days into his second term in office.

The former president's eyes, dead as coal, were unfocused and looking in two different directions as his nurse blew out the candles on a cake in the shape of an oil rig, a nod to the fact that 30 years after telling Americans that offshore drilling would lower gas prices, the first effects of that plan had finally paid off. The news appeared to stimulate long-dormant neurotransmitters because a pinprick of light flickered in one eye and a bubble of gas popped from the corner of his mouth. It was his current way of communicating happiness.

A second and third bubble escaped when Karl Rove, incontinent and strapped upright in a nearby bed, reminded McCain that he and George W. Bush had sold the off-shore drilling boondoggle to Americans despite the 2003 report -- published by the Bush administration's own Energy Information Administration -- that said new offshore drilling “would not have a significant impact on domestic crude oil and natural gas production or prices before 2030.”

A nurse's aide inserted a forkful of cake into the former president's mouth. "Rarggg tup thastel," he said.

The nurse explained that they were "the only words he's able to speak. No one knows what he means. But who ever did?"

Monday, August 11, 2008

McCain Would Execute Aliens

In an exclusive interview at Senator John McCain's Arizona compound, reporters asked the likely Republican nominee about his stance on the illegal alien issue.

McCain said that he'd "wire them up and turn on the juice. I've felt that way ever since I saw my first spaceship more than ten years ago. Green, slimy seven-eyed little buggers... can't trust 'em. But they're good eatin'. A little like frog legs."

Reporters explained that their reference was to illegal aliens entering the country on foot.

McCain looked puzzled. "Feet? What feet? They just kind of slither."

Reporters showed the senator photos of aliens who had crossed the Texas border illegally and were taken into custody. McCain grabbed the photos and shook a finger at the journalists. "Hell, these are just a few Mexicans. If they don't come by spaceship and can make killer tacos, let 'em in. That's plain talk from John McCain -- you write it down."

McCain then excused himself, warning the reporters that the next spacecraft was due in 10 minutes, and aliens had been getting testy of late. The senator reappeared carrying a shotgun and emptied two rounds into the evening sky. "Bring it on!" he yelled. Reporters last saw McCain pumping another shell into the chamber, laughing with his head thrown back. Several reporters resigned the election beat that same night.

Friday, August 8, 2008

McCain Fails Anger Management Class

John McCain's three-month anger management class came to an embarrassing end during his final exam at Arizona's renowned Hargon Psychiatric Clinic in Phoenix. Instructors administered the dreaded "Yo Mama" test, which consisted of seven belittling statements about McCain's mother, as well as assaults on his knowledge of computers, economics, geography and foreign relations.

Counselor David Stripps said that McCain sailed through the offensive remarks about his mother, although "his eyelid did twitch a bit when I referred to the fact that she wears combat boots." The trouble started when Stripps told McCain that people fell down laughing at him for saying on television that he didn't know anything about computers and economics, which indicated an unwillingness and inability to understand basic concepts without which he couldn't pay his bills, much less lead a country. "He became agitated," Stripps said. "I could tell he was in distress – I expected the veins in his forehead to explode."

McCain momentarily regained composure but began to shake uncontrollably when Stripps reminded the presumptive Republican nominee that he "looked incredibly stupid in front of millions of people when he said Iraq shared a border with Pakistan, which isn't true, as any grade school student knows." Stripps then told McCain he was "an idiot for mentioning Czechoslovakia – not once, but repeatedly – when in fact Czechoslovakia hasn't existed since 1993."

"The screws came out and his hinges dropped off," Stripps said. "He chased me around the room screaming 'I'm going to crush your skull, you frickin' weasel!' I yelled over my shoulder that after claiming he was superior to Barack Obama in foreign relations, he must have the brains of a worm to say – on television – that Iranian operatives were taking al-Qaeda into Iran, training them and sending them back… and Senator Joseph Lieberman, standing nearby, had to whisper to him that the Iranians are training extremists, not al-Qaeda."

Moments later McCain caught Stripps, grabbed a lamp and said, "Do you know what I can do with this?"

A week later McCain received an "F" on his report card. Stripps is in critical condition but recovering nicely in the proctology ward of an unnamed Phoenix hospital.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

McCain Would Drill in Old North Church

Senator John McCain, in a desperate move to find an energy strategy that would overshadow the Obama plan, has promised the electorate that, if elected, he will abandon plans for offshore expoloration and drill on the site of the Old North Church, made famous by Paul Revere's April 18, 1775, ride to warn that the British were coming.

"It was part of a revolution that made history more than two hundred years ago," McCain said. "Now it'll stand at the center of an energy revolution and help write a new chapter in America's story."

Asked if he had evidence that oil existed beneath the Old North Church, McCain admitted that there was "no supporting scientific data. But, hell, you never know until you try."

He then asked the crowd standing on the front lawn of the church if they remembered the Gene Chandler song "Duke of Earl." Before the crowd could react, McCain snapped his fingers and launched into song: "Duke, Duke, Duke of Oil, Oil, Oil, Duke of Oil..."

The crowd groaned and began to disperse. McCain hobbled after them yelling, "Wait! Wait! You loved Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran! Come back! I've got a million of them!" Aides pursued him with a wheelchair.

On vacation in Hawaii, Barack Obama responded to the story by singing a few bars of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy."

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

McCain’s New Walker Red, White and Blue

Presidential hopeful John McCain appeared to be absolutely giddy as he pushed his new red, white and blue walker up the ramp to a dais festooned with paper dragons. It was morning in People's Square, Shanghai, and McCain seemed less aware of the 200,000 Chinese looking at him than he was of the walker that he'd received from a Chinese delegation during his recent visit to the world-renowned Shanghai Geriatric Acupuncture Retreat. With an aide supporting him by the elbow, McCain welcomed the crowd with a rambling 20-minute recitation of a shopping list that happened to be in his pocket.

Shortly after, President Hu Jintao took a position next to McCain, who stared at Jintao for a full minute before ordering Kung Pao Chicken and fried rice.

As the misery of a traumatic ninth birthday party flashed through McCain's long-term memory, he said in a petulant voice, “Where is my rabbit? Why didn’t I get a bicycle?” Unfamiliar with English, the crowd applauded enthusiastically, stunning America’s potential commander-in-chief, who mumbled, “Push the button… the red one,” before maneuvering his walker down the ramp and into a waiting limousine where EMTs strapped the candidate's oxygen mask in place.

McCain plans three days of rest and intravenous nourishment before continuing his much heralded 15-day “Dementia Whistle-stop Tour” through Asia and Europe.